Disappointment is such a harsh word I’ve always thought. When you’re experiencing it, it feels like a weight or a burden. Something that sits in the pit of your stomach or hangs around your neck like a constant reminder of missed opportunities or mis-judged impressions. Whether you’re disappointed in yourself or in someone else – or in yourself because of the actions of someone else – there is that feeling of being uncomfortable when you’re nursing a disappointed heart.
This is something I have struggled with more than once in life and has been one of my biggest stumbling blocks. Much as I try not to, I find that my disappointments often stem from the faith that I put into other people. That’s not to say that the people around me always let me down, not at all, I think it is more that I look to them to provide me some kind of validation, when ultimately it isn’t up to them to validate or justify my dreams or my actions – it’s up to me. What television never teaches us as we’re growing up, is that often in life, when something needs to be done, you do it alone. Often, the adventures that you need to take are solo ones and learning to be alone and at ease with that loneliness and, eventually, your own company, is one of life’s most important lessons.
With that in mind, my next post is going to be a short term bucket list. A snap shot of all that I hope to accomplish over the next 18 months. Not for anyone else, but for myself. I had hoped to post it today… but it turns out that there are a lot of things I want to achieve for myself, so I’m still perfecting it. Once I got started thinking about it though, it got me thinking on this, which is why I wanted to post this first.
As I head into this laundry list of things I want to accomplish I don’t expect that any readers out there will be overly interested or inclined to follow along (if you are, you’re most welcome). For the first time, I am relying on no one in my personal life to support or encourage me emotionally or to tag along with me on expeditions which are, ultimately, my dreams – not theirs. Hopefully, if I can these things done for myself and on my own, I will finally be free of looking over my shoulder, waiting for that best friend of kindred spirit to come along so that the ‘real adventures’ can begin. ‘Cause the older I get the more I think that they’ve already begun – if anything they’ve been going on for a long time and my own tunnel vision is ensuring that they’re passing me by while I keep waiting for the ‘right moment’ to commence.
Maybe right moments, like soul mates, are another television creation…
I am nervous and afraid about how things will turn out. I mean, there’s a very real possibility that it could all go horribly wrong and blow up in my face. Then again, it might not. I’m going to aim high too. So high in fact that I cannot foresee a way in which I will achieve everything that I set out to. However, if 2017 has taught me anything so far it is that sometimes when we take that initial leap, amazing things we never would have thought of will begin to come our way.
Rather than settling into the mid-year doldrums then, I take this opportunity to shake off the disappointments that have been lurking in the shadows. I forgive the people that I feel have left me down – because that feeling has more to do with me that it does to do with them. I take responsibility for my own happiness and for the fact that there are some journeys that we must take alone – even when we don’t want to, or wish we didn’t have to.
Wish me luck….
(and thanks for reading!)
the young historian travels 